• Posted 1 month ago

    I hate how everything is changing and moving and doing things all right this second.

    My insurance shit for medical things is shifting to me. One of the medical technologies I own is out of warranty and if something happens i get to pay 5k+ for it. I have to upgrade it I think? They wont tell me shit until the end of may. I have to start going to school or else the bank is going to be pissed because I am on a student banking program. I have to get another job. I have to get my own house or something soon with my brother needing his own room and my other house (other relative’s house I just really adore) probably going to get sold which I am so very not okay with. Fuck all is still happening over whatever is going on with me sort of. I mean I have the option to go back to something that didnt work before, or go everyday to somewhere very out of my and everyone else’s way. How am I going to explain that to family and a new job? But Im thinking its gonna have to happen because Im not getting told anything except they cant do shit or they cant do anything but tell me to talk to other people. 

    I was having such a good fucking time too. I was hoping maybe nothing would ruin that for me. But now Im getting nervous about falling the fuck back down. I woke up early and was having a pretty okay day then news about selling houses and then I remembered I can sit around my whole life fucking with the internet and cartoons and its just making my chest ache and fill with icky black and muddy red blech. Like I cant even feelings I have to colors. Im really hoping that this will be like the other day where I could think and then got over it, but I cant think again. Its like the problems refuse to be a think that is understandable and I just dont want that anymore.

    I want shit to just be magically okay for fucks sakes. Because I am an asshole. That or I want to stop being such a goody goody and actually cause some fucking damage.

    And I cant even look up this fucking program where I go towns over every day because I feel ashamed as fuck and I think that it’ll only make things worse and I will end up walking around somewhere I dont know kicking benches again because i dont fucking know how to anything.

    Just. Fuck.

  • Posted 1 month ago

    hmmmhmmhmhmmhmhmmhmmm

    I am thinking I should maybe make the time to go to that every-day talking group thing a few towns over.

    Just in case.

    Like shit is totally golden right now. And I’d be really happy if it stayed this way. Like I am totally looking forward to waking up in the morning. Im all for doing stuff (even though I am a chronic procrastinator) like projects I have for whatever silly things I decided were worthy of projects. I want to play games with my little sister and like take her to the park and get to talk to her little chattery self. I like how stuff is right now, maybe I just snapped out of whatever but I dont want to go back to that. I can actually remember a bit better, im still a total space case for the most part, but like its not like I am suddenly forgetting more shit anymore. I can sit and think about when I felt bad without dropping to that. I was out all day running up and down town doing stuff and not once did I look at the cars or buildings in any negative way (though I did flip off an asshole who wasnt paying attention at a stop sign and almost hit my friend and I and another guy who nearly did that at a red light- seriously they need to relearn driving shit). I can think without it hurting horribly (feelings wise).

    But it probably is a good idea to go do that because every doctor I talked to on this, 3/3, have said I seem to have trouble assessing and understanding my emotions and their causes and this sort of thing might help.

    I think I should look into it more and do that. And maybe take another week or something to see if everything keeps getting better.

    Im happy. Its awesome.

    Part of my is a little worried over this though because I guess I’ve had breaks before where stuff is fine and normal and even great, but then I get used to it and then I start breaking down again. This feels different, im not walking on a tightrope like some of the other breaks and it feels good and right.

    And Im trying to shush that part still being doubtful because if its gonna happen I dont want to dampen this good time with worrying. I dont want to worry that maybe being okay or even happy or even amazing is something that could be bad. Im happy. Happy is a lot better than upset or angry or terrified.

    I really feel a lot better. A lot more like I did when I had some of the best damn times running around and wanting to go out and doing things.

    I just need to think for another time, and going somewhere to talk about understanding causes for emotional reactions and stuff isnt bad in any way. Its even better if I do that and dont end up back being a soppy crying and angry and scared little bloble. I dont have to be scared of this. I dont have to be scared of wanting, 100% wanting for the sake of me and not fear that I might hurt myself or lash out past a forgiveable level, this. 

    Yeah.

    That being said, I also need to push out what Dr Mr said at the last thing I went to which is making me the littlest bit uneasy over being okay and happy. I told him I was okay at that point it time and even turning out better than okay and that the weeks prior were way worse and the issue I was having was those. And that I wouldnt be surprised if it happened again later on. And he hinted at things that Im not comfortable with and asked if I ever got too happy.

    Who doesnt though? I was (and still am!) a VERY excitable kid. And younger I was (with exception of a few apparently notable angry fits lasting like id guess as long as a normal tempertantrum), as far as I remember, happy as a pig in shit. Literally bouncing around nonstop, wanting to play all the games I could, and just getting in to the stuff I was doing (still very capable of that in any sate if its something I love enough). Even in frickin highschool and now, I get very energetic and shit. Like I should probably have done more athletics than I have because I have that. God knows I could swim forever if the chlorine wasnt too high, and I liked track even if it hurt to breathe sometimes (which I honestly think would improve if I kept at it- sporradic activity of differing levels is not the same as endurance running etc).

    Point is, aside from some (very few) incidences I have never had a problem with when I am happy and okay. Little too much sugar or caffeine here or there definitely makes for a hard time of it. And being diabetic my body sometimes decides to just make extra sugar because its silly.

    Anyway, I’m going on too long I sort of forget the other points I was making. I think I have to look in to this place he mentioned though, and even if it is a few months of going in daily at first and even if its still like 3 times a week or whatever I think it might be a good idea.

  • Posted 1 month ago | 67 notes

    cioacaptainfrapsillness:

    You are beautiful. Your life is important. Please, do not hurt yourself. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. You will live the life you deserve. I promise you. It gets better, and I say that wholly and truthfully.  We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.

    I love you,

    - Katt ♥

    (P.S - I also think lives of paper are important too. Trees are just as real as we are)

    (via feyrin)

  • Posted 1 month ago

    Hi Feyrin

    :) Thank you for the follow

  • Posted 1 month ago

    Thank you Anon

    <3

  • Posted 1 month ago

    bluh.

    Today I had another appointment.

    Today and yesterday and even a day or more before that have been really good days though. Like, I have been able to sit and think without worrying too much or feeling too bad or just generally not being good. Like, I ernt out and even though by the end of the day when I went out I was almost passing out from exhaustion, it was still good. I had fun and not fun with shit all right behind it. Fun fun. 100% fun. Maybe this means I just am suddenly okay, because I’m not getting that tightrope/eggshells feeling yet. And I was able to talk there today, and yeah I got a little upset, but I was able to be okay afterward. I didnt totally shut down and refuse to talk to get overly snippy, yes I did a little of both but thats who I am. And I bussed it home, not a long ride, but after I got off the bus I was totally fine. Back to how good it all was before I went there today.

    But it makes me a little mad that all he said he could do was refer me to someone else where that Dr Butt was. The one I bitched about all the time on here before. And I’d have to go once a week, and he could only guarentee maybe 10 meetings. I told him “but right now I am okay. I’ll be okay for a little while, maybe longer if I am really lucky” but he said he can do it for now or I have to wait forever again.

    Waiting forever this time meant the wait out-lasted some of the shittiest time. Like a month or more of me just wishing I could be assed to be actively destructive to myself, some sort of either panic attack or whatever that had me nearly black out at home alone, and another one a few weeks (I want to say two weeks ago, but it might not have been that long, I still am total shit at timelines) where I was just… I couldnt stop crying and shaking and screaming. Which I havent done in a long time, and I didnt mean to a lot that time.

    But now I am at a very okay and even good time. And this is annoying because shit is not going to be happening when I need it to be.

    I’m going to have jack shit if it comes around again and I feel like crap. I still don’t have any future plans, and Im scared to make them because I dont want to get excited for something and then just destroy it because I got moody again or something.

    The only other option he gave other than going to the same place as before (though maybe not to Dr Butt), was to go two towns over, daily, to some program there. It would be talking about stuff and like ‘behavioural’ and something something therapy, and talking shit out one-on-one and in groups. But Im like, fucking every day monday to friday for i-dont-know-how-long? I do have shit I have to do and can do regardless of whats going on here right now. I have a time limit for a lot of them- of a few weeks. And then, after this event I’m going to in May, I need a job. Thats not going to work if I have to bus-hop for 3 hours or whatever to get to a different town for this shit.

    And those are my only options.

    And they suck now, and will majorly suck later if shit starts going to hell again. 

    Im just gonna sit here and beg that it wont, but not enough that that becomes a problem. Because I’ve done that before where I worried so much about getting bad again that I missed a good time.

    Yeah, Wow massive post after just running away from this blog under the stupid deluded idea that if I pretended it didn’t exist it would stop.

    I dunno, if anyone has any thoughts on this to help me figure out what I’m going to do, I’d love to hear them. I don’t know what to do.

  • Posted 3 months ago

    Going back to not using this.

    Because

    Sad everywhere.

    I’d rather have stupid everywhere. Stupid is a great mask for stuff.

  • Posted 3 months ago

    putting all my passwords and shit in a file.

    because god knows I’ll forget them next.

    but yeah, not that I plan to do shit, but if I suddenly become way too careless and something happens, know they are on my desktop saved as a .txt file just called

    passwords.txt

    Seriously not planning anything tonight, or in the near future because fuck me if I cant at least make it to the convention Im planning on going to, but yeah. I just want it to be known because I hope at least one of my friends comes on here sometimes still?

    This is stupid and I’ll probably delete the damn file tomorrow after work or something, but yeah. Just… yeah.

    goodnight

  • Posted 3 months ago

    Why do I even try?

    Ive already ruined everything. All I do is make myself miserable and look like a fool. I dont even think I can handle my shitty easy job anymore because I have just utterly embarassed myself. And I wish I could just stop crying and man the fuck up. Or do something with all this shit.

    But no, I have some stupid line drawn in my head that stops me from actually doing anything at all.

    Still trying to sleep like a normal person. Still trying to eat like a normal person. Still trying not to yank out my hair like a normal person. Still trying to go to work like a normal person. Still trying to remember buses are for riding only like a normal person.

    Still crying like a fucking wimp. Still not able to just fucking rebel like a sensible person who gets told to work when leaving bed is a huge fucking chore and all Ive been thinking about for the past few days is how to either get help or sever all ties finally and just move out so I can just die alone.

    I dont even know what I am anymore either. Im too fucking scattered. I dont know who the fuck I am supposed to be, and thats really not helping because whenever I find or do something I like or think is fun or feels good, I feel like im stepping on toes or being a liar.

    And I wish it would stop. I wish I’d stop being upset when I see pretty girly girl things. Or see guys with flat chests. Or see someone happy. Or see anything. Because I dont know what I am supposed to fucking be anymore. Except that Im probably supposed to be someone who isnt a total fuck-for-brains who SHOULD be going to college and working and having plans for the future and all this other shit.

    I dont know fucking anything.

    And I dont have anyone to fucking talk to.

    And even if I did I doubt I would because its too self-centered and there are too many things I dont even know.

    I just want to fucking die Or to stop fucking hurting and to know what the fuck I am supposed to be doing and who the fuck I am supposed to be.

    I also just want to fucking not go to work. But thats not gonna happen because it didnt happen today, and Im pretty sure the only way they’d let me call in sick is if I died, went comatose or literally vomited all over the place when I got there. None of which I am good at faking or making happen.

  • Posted 4 months ago

    Its weird and I feel kind of childish, but I really understand this sort of four part romance.

    There is love. You love them romantically and want to do certain things with them, you want to have children etc.

    Then there is another love, the same but not as deep? Its sort of like a best friend but a little more. You want to hug and hold them and things, but its never quite the proper romantic love.

    Then there is love almost like parental. You love certain people so much you want to do anything to make sure they are okay and its a lot like the second type but for more than one person who have a different type of love going on I guess?

    And then there is the love where you dislike it. You like them but you hate them or you hate them and enjoy hating them so much it makes the same sort of feelings. Or you like to act like you hate eachother but its sort of the opposite.

    Its super silly and probably the stupidest source to get this sort of thing, but I kind of like it better than what other people say. Because I know I for sure 100% love so many people, but not in the way you think when I say love.

    I love them, but I don’t want to date them, I don’t want to marry them, I don’t want to be anything more than friends but I have a lot of feelings for them more than most friends seem to have. But its not the love you want to think of. I do love them and I want to be able to be there for them and to make them laugh and keep them level headed and to play stupid games and make laugh. I love them so much it really hurts me, almost as much or more than it did when I had a stab at my own romantic relationships, but its different. Not the same. I still can’t even explain it, but this little silly idea made me feel better in saying I love people because it has more ways. And my understanding of it makes it seem so much more appropriate and it feels like it helps me.

    Don’t rag on me for using it as an example. And don’t expect more frequent posts. This was just sort of neither here nor there for my blogs and it does imvolve things I refuse to acknowledge properly or something. Its something none of my friends really know I guess? But I needed to put it somewhere. I really do just love people and I can’t express it properly I guess because they all prefer the way I don’t understand. Or they do things that make me uneasy and feel confused and disgusted a little.

    I don’t really know how to just let them know the way I feel because I’ve tried and its been mistaken for the wrong sort of affection, or I have tried and mistake their affections. I don’t like either scenario… I don’t like making people feel awkward and I don’t like having to avoid and possibly drop a friend because they love in a different way and I don’t.

    This all sounds stupid to me now. Bleh. Stupid words.

  • Posted 4 months ago

    Just a Heads Up…

    I’m just trying to ignore everything. So, I’m ignoring this tumblr.

  • Posted 5 months ago

    On A Plus Side…

    I had some of the repeat customers today, my favorite people I swear. So nice. That helped make today less shit.

  • Posted 5 months ago

    I just really want to stop now…

    dont wanna work, dont wanna care, dont wanna live.

    But I didn’t call in yet so I have to go to work. so thats 6 more hours of shit I have to do. and then I can try to just fucking not

  • Posted 5 months ago | 6 notes

    Its sort of Messed Up…

    I’m labeling as triggering because I realize it probably is.

    Read more »
  • Posted 5 months ago
    I would like to talk to you and ask how your day is going but I don't want it to be awkward.
    Anonymous

    It doesn’t have to be?

    Is this like… Mulls anoning? Or just a really kind anon? Either way, its honestly okay. Go for it?

    I mean, honestly, it will always be a little awkward. I’m scared of touching some subjects- being all of them at first and loads for the rest. And I don’t like to really tell the truth about myself all the time. And its hard to talk about myself when I feel like its annoying for you. If you want to, I can do it. And it can easily not be awkward if you want it to be. Just let me know everything is okay, and I can do it.

Something is wrong with me. I've been this way for years. I've finally gone for help, and I still have some time before I go to anything.
I need to archive what I think, do and say. I won't know otherwise.
This is just my blog of dealing with the crap going on in my head. I'm not in a bad situation; I'm not poor, I don't do drugs, my family is not abusive. Nothing of the sort. I'm what would be a normal young adult. But something went wrong, and something more than the whiny stage of every adolescent. It can't be normal for these sort of feelings.