• Posted 2 years ago | 2 notes

    On Pain…

    I am so scared of getting hurt. Like scrapes and cuts and bruises sort of hurt. I don’t know when that happened, but it really sucks. I’m sitting here, occasionally wanting to just hurt- bruises I put I can deal with, but I don’t want to ‘ruin’ my body. I don’t know when I thought that up, but I don’t want to ‘ruin’ something I don’t particularly like because it might be liked or needed for other people. The biggest reason I don’t drink heavily or often or do drugs or smoke is because maybe someday somebody will need a transplant and mine would be available. That and if I ‘ruined’ my body it would be… strange. Because somebody else may like it or be envious or something. So I don’t want to ‘ruin’ it for them. But bruises I put there I can deal with because they are temporary.

    But its cuts and scrapes and sprains and breaks I can’t do. I get so nervous to go out and do something fun- like climb a tree or go to the park and actually have fun (no matter how childish or un-age appropriate people want to say it is because I think a nineteen or twenty year old climbing trees and playing on monkeybars is fine). I’m scared I will fall or scrape a knee or break something. I want to go have fun, and part of me wants to get hurt- part of me wants to break a wrist or get a good scrape or bruise because it proves I did something and because I indirectly caused myself pain (which I sometimes think I deserve). Its usually for the first reason, mind. But I am too scared to.

    Its sort of the same for all these other things. I want to do something, but then I have a stupid fear that makes me too scared to do it. Like to find a Cello instructor. I want to learn to play cello. I have wanted to on and off for several years. But I’m scared I won’t find one, won’t be able to afford them, won’t be good enough (I can’t read music at all. I understand the very basics of ‘this line is this’ but I can’t make sense out of more than one note at a time and I can’t translate it to sound in my head), or that where I go to learn it will shut down. And then there is the whole “what if I get hurt?” thing too. I don’t want to get a repetitive motion injury, or a bruise on my arm from placing the instrument wrong, or a pulled muscle from carrying it wrong. But I do, because that means I am actually doing it.

    It goes into a lot of other things too. I guess maybe it means I am scared to fail or something? I might be reading too far into this… But it seems sort of similar. I want to succeed, but to get there I will have to fail at some point to prove I did the work to succeed. I am scared to fail, so I never succeed.

    1. howcanyouhateyourself posted this
My own experiences with things. I'm not sure what- if anything- is wrong. I've had issues for years. I have friends who can vouch for that. I have memories that can too. I have thought of dying and killing myself before. But sometimes, everything is okay. Sometimes everything is "normal" and acceptable and I can forget about getting dizzy and scared and I can forget how terrified I used to get and I can forget really old nightmares and fears. Sometimes I worry I scare people with one thing or another. I have tried going to talk things out. I have tried looking for a diagnosis, but nothing has come out. And any changes don't seem to have come from that. I can be really good, I can have horrible times, I can have a messy volatile mix of everything. I don't know if hormones just messed with me terribly, but now I'm past the most hormonal stage of my life so its going to be interesting. This started so I could remember what to say to a therapist. It kept going to remind myself of things that happened. Good and bad. Its rarely updated because I like to ignore my problems, but its here when I need it.

If you ever feel like something is wrong, get help. Don't let it throw you around like a rag doll and make you want to burn bridges. Get help. Be strong.